WHAT'S A BLOGGER TO A ROCKER? WHAT'S A ROCKER TO...

ON A SWEATY THURSDAY AFTERNOON in the illustrious Port Melbourne, I am busy pissing off my coworkers talking about The Dare. If there’s one hot soirée that will resurrect this blog from its digital grave, it’s a suited-up yank with semi-fucked teeth and an irrefutable sex appeal. With careful and somewhat repetitive execution on my behalf, I am banned from saying his name - ordered to remain in my corner and frame god awful Etsy prints in silence like a sad little elf. I frown at the LeBron James basketball print I have seen one thousand times before in my picture-framing career, and begin to imagine the bands that those evil graphic designers must be counting - reproducing one another’s square purple bullshit in search of global Etsy domination. Linda, the lovely Canadian postwoman, startles me from my stupor - reporting the weeks gossip, and the heat that’s set to vanquish the city. 

“He’s piggy backing off the vast resurgence of… Indie-Sleaze?” She questions in her soft Whistler whisper.

I’m doing my best to explain the trajectory of his lore when the clock strikes five. Blowing the dust off my Ryobi One+ 18V drill like I’m Billy The Kid, I stagger out into the blaring sun and mount my carbon frame steed. I thought I saw a tumble weed, but rub my eyes to reveal all but an empty packet of Coles Deli popcorn chicken - billowing upon the steaming tarmac - is this an omen? Will I be weightless with no direction after 2nite? IDK. Call it fate, call it karma. 

Back at the pad, I frantically fuck it up with my electro-pop drippington. In Chiara’s apartment, we are passing around a fedora like a holy relic to the ancient hymns of Imagine Dragons and LMFAO. I get that disgusting urge to tag my belongings again, but my silver marker drips on Chiara’s beautiful wooden floorboards and I freak out. It comes right off. Thank fuck. We shuffle to Parkville and dexies are divvied out like we are receiving the holy communion. Bishop Casablancas reads us scripture from a UE boom, while Piper calls me Señorita Awesome in my newly adorned skinny black tie. Max’s literal honours certificate for his university thesis is discarded upon his bed, next to a can of deodorant and a pair of socks. I like the girls who got degrees. I begin visualising it’s potential blizzard-white mat board and Tasmanian oak frame when I am alerted it’s time to face the music, time to destroy disco…. I finish my prayers as we head into the city like we’re the charming intro for a coming of age movie.

When we land into the line for Miscellania, there appears to be a distinct air of both trepidation and mania. People don’t look like people, they look like Disney characters - patterned with cyber-sigilism tattoos and gorp-core on they feet. My final destination can of whiskey ’n’ coke hides discreetly in the tarnished lining of my cunty day-bag. It's metallic and very hard exterior unfortunately doesn’t fool the seccy. Feeling around, she looks at me like I am in fact stupid, and asks:  

“What is that?”

The likeness of a question mark emerges in my minds eye, like the spin transition effect on Microsoft powerpoint. 

“Myyyyy… wallet?”  

She seems saddened, more than agitated. I give up the goods (just step) with my tail between my legs then Piper takes my hand and leads me up the stairs. Must be better at lying. And at thinking. We surface up at the rooftop, to an atmosphere I am often induced to peak levels of anxiety within. Weirdly, such perturbations wither, under the impression that I am eleven years old again. Mainly because we are all genuinely dressed like we’ve stepped out of an episode of Wizards of Waverley Place - is my inner child healing? Or is it my vodka JD mystery-festival-floor-baggie cocktail that’s eroding my ego? Hard to say. Everyone is looking around at each other and talking about Harrison in discreet hush-hush type of way - like he’s cancelled, or dead. Piper reveals her secret wish for another lockdown so she can play Minecraft again. Real! People start to abscond from the watering hole - time 2 bounce.

I can’t really breathe because the air is thick with The Dare’s cigarette smoke. I’m also being electrocuted by the high-voltage-performative-vintage-style that’s characterising the room. Being in this crowd is life-threatening, as the daremania climaxes when he rolls out the Guess song. Tune, to be fair, I wanna know what you got going on down there. I bop so willingly that every electrolyte I’ve ever cultivated has been evicted from my pores. DILIGAF? This is awesome. He starts playing The Prodigy and I lose my basic motor function. So fresh. I wonder if Keith Flint would fuck with his suit? All of a sudden, the most peculiar scene begins to format itself in front of me, for upon that stage I see a medley of mfs in huge sunglasses taking turns lighting Harrison’s skinny vogue ciggies. He must rip through at least fifteen, because I have seen the same quantity of girls and gays revel in their intimate spark-up time with him - in a densely crowded semicircle, holding their respective lighters with an unshakeably tight grasp. I see deze hoez shake ass around the decks and I am no longer eleven years old. This is hedonism right before my eyes, elucidated in the polaroid picture I take on Piper’s camera when I reach the front row.  

The communal fedora is now long gone - and I take this as my humble sign to oge. I wipe the sweat off my brow and clamber out of the frenzy while he’s still sending us frequencies from the misc mecca. In that sea of lust and flat caps, I wave goodbye to my new mates and sink into the leather couch at the back of the clurb for a fighting chance of oxygen. I feel like The Bride from Kill Bill when she wakes up from a coma and develops muscular atrophy. 

When I find myself back at the crib, I am still scuffling around like a zombie. It’s 3:30 on the dot when I accidentally trip over the collection of skateboards leaning up against our wall - like the dominoes scene from Robots - the sound is deafening, and I bite my fist in shame. Shimmying into my unmade bed, I kiss my stuffed crocodile goodnight and set my alarm for another day in the frame factory. I attempt 2 drift off to snooze town, but it takes quite a while because I am in fact wired. All I can see when I close my eyes in the darkness, is the shimmering faint outline of the Mickey Mouse Disney logo. All I can hear is the residual chant of 212, and all I can smell, is my perfume.

It’s $5.99

I spray it in my mouth and the taste is divine.